Today is Jack's 10th birthday. I remember the morning that he was born so well. It was the first one of my kid's births that wasn't somehow traumatic or really rough. He was the first one that I was able to see as soon as he was born. I remember they brought him over to my side of the curtain (c-section) and I touched his little left eyebrow. I remember my exact thought was that it was so soft it felt like velvet. I remember hearing that he was 10 lbs. 5 oz. and couldn't believe I had such a big baby. Even so, I remember looking at him and still thinking he was so tiny. Jack didn't look anything like Brent or Seth as a baby. He doesn't particularly look like them now. Jack is very much different. We are always so amazed at his sense of humor and his vocabulary and the way he thinks. I guess he might be what you call an old soul. He's always had deep thoughts, deeper than someone his age would normally have. In a lot of ways Jack is a mini-me. He can be a handful for sure, but I would not trade that boy for anything.
Today also marks the beginning of one of the darkest, scariest, lonliest times in my life. It's not something I talk about in any great depth. Maybe that was the beginning of when I became who I am now. I used to be quite emotional, quite a deep thinker and I suppose sweeter. Somewhere during this time I found that I could no longer afford those things. I felt that I could no longer bear to feel any type of negative emotion and somewhere in my subconscious mind I think I simply chose not to. I also learned that a friend, no matter how close you thought you were, can always turn on you. Deeper and deeper into the tunnel I went. I remember how oppressive that darkness felt. It was a time when I could barely find the will to eat or even stay awake. I found comfort in long drives in the dark and my music. Sometimes when the walls of my house felt like they were smothering me, I would get the boys and we would drive down the longest, darkest road I knew of. The mindless drive with the music filling the space gave me peace when I couldn't find it anywhere else. That and sleep. You don't feel the weight of things that hurt you so much when you're asleep.
Eventually I came through the tunnel though. There was light at the end as there always is. It was a dark and ugly tunnel but I almost feel glad that I went through it. I think when you go through really hard things it gives you character and you learn how to and that you can get through things. It used to make me sad that I would somehow always associate Jack's birthday with these things, but I no longer feel the bad parts. It's been ten years that in one way seem like the blink of an eye and in another way feel worlds away.
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