Contradiction in Terms

So I've gone off and neglected my blog again. LOL Some days I feel bloggy, some days I don't. But tonight I feel sort of bloggy, so here I am. Lucky I remembered my password, huh? ;)

Lately I've been thinking how lonely I am. And when I say lonely I don't mean in a poor me kind of way. Actually I'm not even sure lonely is the word I want to describe how I feel. Because lonely has sort of a sad, pitiful connotation to me and I wouldn't say that's really how I feel. But anyway, for lack of another word I'll stick with lonely. I suppose it's probably normal for anyone to feel this way if their husband or wife is gone for an extended period of time. I more or less see myself as above all those feelings though. Whoa, that sounded a little snobby or arrogant, I'm not sure which, but again, not what I meant. It's just that I've been in this situation soooo many times before. Cute little piece of trivia here for you. Wayne's and my song (mine and Wayne's? Wayne's and mine? whatever) is "Right Here Waiting" by Richard Marx. He chose it long before he was in the Army, so other than it being a sweet song with that nice piano bit at the beginning it really wasn't "saying" anything at the time. But I swear he couldn't have picked a more appropriate song! I mean seriously, how many times have I been in a "waiting" position for one thing or another?! I could write a small book on it probably!

Anyway though, it's not really ever bothered me that much. Definitely it can become boring and it can be stressful at times but it's never really struck me as being a lonely thing. And now, of all times! We live in a great neighborhood, tons of kids, lots of friends (both the kids and mine), I am or can be around people pretty much anytime I want. In a lot of ways it reminds me of the good parts in Alabama. I loved our neighborhood there for a long time and what I loved about it was how social it was and how I could sit out front with my girlfriends all day long tanning my legs and drinking Dr. Pepper. Such good times! I'll just block out the bad times, who needs them anyway! ;) And here, we have sort of a similar situation. I think I should feel extremely lucky and happy to be in a set up like this. And near the beach, HELLO Laura, could you ask for anything else on your wish list really?! Seriously put me on the sand in the sun and I'm pretty much a happy girl!! But I still can't shake this sort of lonely feeling. I guess because I've been a little bit spoiled, (I know you're all shocked and amazed at this revelation!!) for a while now. Maybe so much of my long-suffering ;) and waiting finally paid off and it's sort of annoying to have the reward taken away even if it is temporary! I can't believe I'm saying it because I'm certainly not one to wish time away, but I actually enjoy that some of the boys are older and are able to babysit each other. Wayne and I were never ones to get a babysitter, I don't know about for him, but for me I felt irresponsible getting someone else to take care of my kids while I went out for dinner or a movie or whatever. So if we went somewhere we always went as a family. And that was fine, I enjoyed it and never thought twice about it. I guess it's sort of like you can't miss what you never had. Know what I mean? We never really had the "date night" thing so we couldn't really know what we were missing out on. Now I know though!! And I'm missing out on it!! LOL Yeah, go ahead, call me spoiled. I don't mind. I don't mind be called spoiled, or for people to know that I like to get my way or even that Wayne likes to give me my way. As far as I'm concerned that's just the way it should be. !!!!!!!! What a shock I'm sure THAT sounds like to some people. Whatever, walk a mile in my shoes...

But anyway, I don't really mean to go off on that tangent again. I just think that maybe that's why I'm feeling this way when I never really felt that way during any other deployments or TDYs. Certainly it's not that big of a deal. Especially in the scheme of things. And there are definitely things I like about being on my own. I freaking LOVE that it's the Laura show ALL THE TIME!! Of course I would since I like to have my way so much, right?! ;) I like that I can take my morning drives in the sunshine to get my diet Coke or tan or whatever. And I like that the kids can have an easy supper of blueberry muffins and scrambled eggs sometimes (not to mention our strawberry nights!) that just would not fly if Wayne was here. But I guess all that can be sort of blah sometimes when you just want somebody to go do something with. Wayne and I have had a daily lunch date since before Jack was born. I even remember commenting when Jack was a newborn that I was glad we could still have those lunch dates because I kind of worried that was he was born we wouldn't anymore. And here we are 8 years later still doing the daily lunch thing. I know that's one thing we both miss during these deployments.

Ugh, I'm starting to sound down and that's not what I was going for, so let me sign off from here and go see why my son (Jack) is dancing in the street! This should be good! :)

Comments

[Wayne]

Very sweet blog Laura Garrity. :) It will be over before you know and I can continue to ravish you with gifts. ;)

[MOM]

You'll enjoy those times even more because you have missed them, even for a short period of time.

Glad you have people of all ages around you. It will help with those "down" times.

XOXO

[Shannon - Desert Designs]

Hi Laura - I find your blog through Hummie's Digi-BlogRoll. I completely understand how you feel re lonely but not sad. BTW, we've never had a sitter either. :) Hope your honey gets home soon! :)