Random Thoughts....

Oh! I Still Have a Blog!

I used to have so much material for this little blog, but it's been so abandoned lately. There are a couple of things that were kind of sitting in my head today I guess waiting for me to let them out somewhere. And if I can't spit them out in a short-ish little blurb on Facebook, then that place is here.

I don't read Oprah's magazine, but I have seen it a few times and I remember she had a column in it called "What I Know for Sure". Well, one thing I know for sure is this. I mean, I think this must be a law of nature or something because it is just one thing that I have seen and learned and re-learned time and time again. Here it is, go ahead and prepare to soak it in because this is pithy stuff y'all...No Matter What You Think the Grass is NOT Greener in Anyone Else's Yard (metaphorically speaking of course, we are not talking about actual grass here). I actually remembered that I blogged on this very thing a few years ago when this blog was just a tiny little newborn and I was still living in Belgium. Here's that post if you want to see it: http://moischka0595.typepad.com/random_thoughts/2005/07/the_greenblack_.html

I don't know if I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about this or what. Maybe I do...I'm quite a thinker. But on the other hand, another thing I've been kind of realizing for several years now is that not much that I may think or feel is actually unique. Think of it sort of like this. You know when you're in school and you have a question but you think it might be a really dumb question so you don't want to raise your hand and ask. Well, what you're probably not realizing at that time is that more often than not there are other people wondering the same thing. In lots of situations other than that I've seen that that's true. More often than not. So, therefore I tend to think that any of my thoughts are not terribly original. The ways that I think about them, now those might be original because I do think I sometimes have unusual ways of looking at things.

Anyway, in my "Things I Know for Sure" column I would put the grass thing. Sometimes it's easy to get caught up thinking that this person has a better life than you do, or they're more "together" than you are, or that they're family seems just perfect or, oh, anything like that. We do it with celebrities, people that are famous for being rich, people in our own neighborhoods, people we know or have seen from a distance, etc...Time after time after time though I have seen that whatever nice, pretty picture they paint is just that. A picture. Nothing is ever perfect and I think that some people work overtime at trying to create that pretty picture. Not sure why...to cover up their own insecurites maybe? They're very concerned with appearances? I think both maybe and possibly some other reasons. I think it must be a lot of work to be constantly working on that pretty picture. Even though I know this to be like some universal truth or something I can still get caught up in admiring those pictures, so I guess that's why it was sitting in my head today and I had to remind myself of all this.

The other thing I Know For Sure that I thought about today was that I do not have that survival instinct thing...also known as I Should Never Be On "Survivor"! This morning some of my friends got up at 5 a.m. to go walk Kolekole Pass. It's a ten mile walk round trip. Well, I didn't hear my wake up texts when they were sent so I overslept and missed going with them. Later on, Wayne was saying he thought that sounded like a cool challenge, to walk Kolekole. So I asked if he would do it with me and he said yes. So we start out. Of course I had been told to take water and I knew I should take water and we even passed a place to buy a bottle of water on the way but I passed them all up. For one reason I didn't want to have to carry it. But my main reason was because I didn't want to have to stop and pee in the bushes up there! See, I'm not a boy and it's not really a whole lot of fun for girls to squat and pee in the woods and end up with wet legs and use leaves for toilet paper. So I didn't get water. But of course it didn't take all that long to get thirsty. Very thirsty. My mouth was all dried out and sticking to itself and I just generally was not having a good time. That's when I remembered what I could  have told you anyway. I am not cut out to be on "Survivor"! That thing that people have when they're in dire situations where they just WANT to survive and I don't know if it's adrenaline or just some kind of survival instinct so they can just dig down deep and do what they need to...THAT thing...well I don't have it. I don't think that's the nicest thing to admit about myself, but it's a fact. Maybe I'll get it later, but today and all the days up until today I have not had it. I am happy to say though, that I did not die and I did eventually get my water (and a strawberry Icee).

Just a Minute

I just have a few minutes before I have to run to a mini-baby shower for a friend who is moving back to the mainland tonight! That's gotta be exciting, right!! I'm so jealous! Except that she's moving to Arizona, I'm not jealous of that!

We started week 3 of our P90X workouts this morning! We're having fun, more fun than getting up at 3:30 and working out should actually be. You should feel my muscles, they're niiiiice! Next week begins a week of cardio. Blech!! Not a fan of that, but it's good to switch it up and from what I've seen of the cardio workouts it should be fun.

What else? What else? Wayne should be home in about a week. I think I'm in denial or something. Doesn't really seem real to me. Maybe once I get a phone call saying he's on American soil it will sink in. But right now it doesn't make sense to me.

Jack and Rhett started their flag football practices last week (different teams of course). I'm not impressed by Rhett's coaching staff, well if you read my last blog entry you know about that. But Jack's I really do like. Friday night on our way home from Jack's practice I stopped and bought a new football for them because they have lost the few that they had in trees. *eyeroll* Oh, funny little story about that. One day last week, Rhett was asking me where he could find another football to play with. I sent him in to look somewhere....he came back and said "I found one!! It's on the shelf in Dad's office, can you go get it for me?" I asked which one it was and he said, "The one with all the writing on it!" Ummm, that would be his football with the Titans players' autographs....I think, no! So anyway, I bought them one, we got home and a few minutes later Rhett comes and says seriously, "Mom, I want you to train me." hahahaha He cracks me up!!!

Brent's team won Friday night, in what was probably their best game of the season. Unfortunately I missed it. My "date" (just kidding Tom) couldn't make it that night and I did not feel so great about going out that way by myself. It's a bad part of the island for haoles (that would be "foreigners", white people) to be. Seriously, I'm really not kidding. Leilehua even had a police escort. So I didn't go, but now I feel horrible about it. I should have just sucked it up and gone. I hate that I missed one of Brent's last games and especially such a good one. So this makes them 4-2 (did I write that right? Won 4, lost 2). They "should" win their last two. But let's not get too cocky just yet!

O.K., so that's my little synopsis. Oh, and I think rainy season may have officially arrived. I'm so happy to see it!! *insert sarcastic face here* 'K, gotta run, it's time for some Costco cake! If you don't know how good that is, then you just need to run and buy yourself a membership and get ya one!!

Why? Why? Why?

I know youth sports coaching is a volunteer thing in a lot of cases. That said...why, why, why do people volunteer to coach when they don't have any idea what they're doing and why do we always seem to get these coaches for the boys when they're little?

I could have cried sitting there wishing Wayne was here tonight. It was Rhett's first flag football practice. Remember that it's flag football because that will come in handy later. First off it was a woman. Not that a woman couldn't do a good job, but this one clearly had not one clue what she was doing. How do I know that? Good question, I'm glad you asked! Because after the called roll, she said "o.k., what do I do now?" I nearly fainted. Not that I should have been shocked, I kind of got the feeling that might be the case right from the get go. I kept hoping that maybe her husband was actually the coach and he just wasn't off work yet and she was just getting things started. She did say that she had a "helper" coming and for all I know one of the two "helpers" that showed up could have been her husband. But that didn't help anything. Let me just say that all 3, (coach and helpers spoke with non-American accents). I know that sounds bad of me, and truly I don't care except that it make it hard to understand them.

O.K., so at the beginning they asked if any of the kids had played football before. None had, one a team, just like backyard football kind of thing. So the first question out of one of the "helpers" mouth was "Who wants to be quarterback?" Are you freaking kidding me? First thing? Right off the bat? Every kid wants to be quarterback! So they line all the kids up and have them throw. First one out of the gate, a "helper" says "First round draft pick, he's the quarterback!' ????? I'm beginning to feel annoyance in the pit of my stomach. Not because I particularly want or think Rhett should be quarterback. Actually I don't think he should be. But it was because these guys were so clearly winging it and saying whatever the heck came to mind with no planning or thought as to how they should be leading the practice. And this is where I learned something about my boy that I never really realized. He threw his ball and to be honest with you I didn't see how he threw because I was taking pictures. (It's hard to take a picture and actually attention to what you're taking a picture of) So then he starts crying. Not a little either. ****sigh**** I go over to him and ask what's wrong because I figured somebody must have said something to him. No, he tells me he's upset because he didn't have a good grip on the ball and that that wasn't his best throw. Well, you could have knocked me right over because I certainly didn't expect that answer! I console him and eventually get him back in practice. At this point they're throwing to each other and catching. He joins in and he's definitely doing fine with his catching. He's starting to enjoy it and look happy when one throw comes right at his face. He ducks. A "helper" walks up behind him and says "you can't be afraid of the ball". O.K., that's true and I guess a lesson they all should learn. But the way he said it was pretty harsh. Guess what, Rhett's upset again. At this point I'm pissed. I'm getting frustrated with Rhett yet realizing this is his first time on a team sport. I'm getting frustrated because yes he does need to suck it up a little bit, but really he's only 6.  And lastly, I'm getting frustrated because these coaches/helpers are so damn clueless as to how to run this thing. You don't deal with a bunch of first time players like you would kids that have been around a few years.

After I get Rhett sort of calm again and back in, I watch from way on the side for a while, thinking maybe a little less of my presence would be good. He's looking lost, so I thought maybe Jack or I could go see what he's supposed to be doing and direct him a little bit. I go out and ask and the "helper" says they're running plays. Whaaaaattttt?? You've been practicing for half an hour!! How about teaching them some basics? How about explaining the game? How about teaching them how to throw or how to catch or who the best runners are or what it means when you blow the whistle? Anything but running plays!! Furthermore, at this age, it's pretty much give somebody the ball and they all just run after that person anyway regardless of what they're SUPPOSED to be doing. And remember, that this is flag football? Well maybe they should explain to the kids how that works, because this was looking an awful lot like tackle. Which would be fine except that perhaps they should learn what a flag is and what you're supposed to do with it.

Ugh! I feel like I'm sounding like one of "those" mothers. And I truly do know better. So I'm trying to be objective about this. But I still keep coming back to it being a big ol' mess. Just not organized, no plan, no control over what's going on and sort of no idea how to deal with little kids. That and when I ask a question as we're walking off the field, just a general question, you really shouldn't ignore me 3 times and then snap at me...those would be two mistakes that you won't won't to repeat! I'm hoping for a better practice on Thursday. And wishing that Wayne had been here to take coach this team himself, he would have done a thousand times better job!

New Stuff

So many new things lately...including apparently a new Typepad because it was a little bit tricky getting it to come up! I guess I haven't been blogging enough to keep up with their changes. I wanted to have new pictures to go with this post, but I guess since I'm so prolific with my pictures on my facebook page probably noone will notice. And really I'd be no good at holding pictures until I posted a new blog anyway. You'd know this if you saw me literally fall asleep at my computer after Friday's football game while I was uploading and resizing pictures because I COULD NOT wait to get them up there!

I think I'll work backwards, how 'bout that? Yesterday was my first 5K! My friend Becky and I signed up to do it together. Really it was a lot of fun and we're already getting ready to sign up for our next one that's in October. This one will be the Susan G. Komen breast cancer one. It mostly started because Becky got the hair-brained idea back in the summer to do the Honolulu marathon in December. I was all like, "more power to you!" because I just couldn't not wrap my brain around that much distance! Really, I still can't if it means running it. But on the other hand I'm all about picking up experiences in life. Some people call it a bucket list, so we'll use that term even though I don't really like it that much. So the idea of walking it I think I could probably handle. Still, that's a heckuva a long way to go! It's one of those things that it would just be so cool to say that I did it. Ya know? So we're doing these 5K's and then in November there's a half marathon I think, so if nothing else we'll get t-shirts to sleep in! Haha ;)

Here's what I can say about my first 5K though. It's much harder to do if you are have a jogging stroller. Crowds are to be expected, but I just could not believe that people wouldn't move over for you to get by them. Just because you have a jogging stroller does not mean you want to just go for a stroll. We tried saying excuse me to get by but people just would not move! That in and of itself took it's toll on our time. Plus, I have had shin splints for a couple of weeks now and running on pavement just aggravated them more. I'm used to that spongy turfy track surface which of course is not what a road is made out of. But even on the track they were bothering me, so it was only worse on the pavement. I've iced them, stretched them, but I think it's just going to take laying off the running for a little while to heal them. It really was a lot of fun though, in spite of the aggravations.

I can also now check off calimari and sashimi on my life's list of things to try and very likely never try again! The calimari wasn't THAT horrible, with the lemon squeezed on it it was o.k., but just knowing what it is and it's a little more chewy than I want any of my food to be unless it's candy, it's kind of oogy to me! But if you REALLY want oogy, try yourself some sashimi. I don't know WHAT possessed me to put that in my mouth. I guess, like I said, I'm just really into being able to say I did something. It's very pretty to look at, or it would be IF it was actually the little red squares of jelly that it looks like. The texture is just waaaay too much for me to deal with. That was a hard one to get down!

Let's see, working backwards from that...Oh!! How could I forget this one since it's what gets me up every morning and the unholy time of 3:45 a.m. Some friends/neighbors and I are meeting up 6 days a week in her garage-turned-workout-space (very nicely set up by her husband Greg) to do P90X. I was seriously intimidated by this workout. And with good reason! It's very hard, but in a good way! We're now on week two of the program and we're all sort of coming out of our debilitating sore stage. If it weren't for the fact that we have texts going around at 3:45 each weekday morning and we had to all meet up it would be very easy to let these workouts slide. First of all, it's not fun getting up that early. Second of all, it's HARD! But by the time I walk out the door and walk 3 doors down I'm awake and I'm so glad I got up every day. Plus, it's fun to have the girls to workout with! On top of that 3 or 4 days a week Becky and I head to the track for more workouts! It's all fun though!

Back in the beginning of September, the kids and I went with some friends to a beach over in Waianae where one of the family's was renting a cottage and spent the day with them. THAT was a full day of new stuff! The kids kayaked, jumped off rocks into the water and played at the beach all day. And I got to try paddleboarding (which really was on my list of things I wanted to do) and snorkeling. O.K., paddleboarding is just not as easy as it looks! People make it look way too simple! But it is fun and I really want to go out when I have more time and try it some more. Snorkeling though may be my new favorite thing! I don't know why I waited so long to try it, especially considering that there are so many good places to do it here! As soon as you put your face in the water it's sooo quiet and peaceful all around you, I just ADORE that feeling! And seeing fish that you would otherwise only maybe see in an aquarium...and coral...I just love, love, love it! We were going to go to Hanauma Bay a couple of weekends ago, but weren't able to make it. That's been on my list of places I want to go while we're here for a while now. So I'm hoping before too long we'll make it out there. I already have my underwater camera for the trip because you KNOW I need pictures!

So all that adds up to a bunch of busy weekends! Just a couple more and Wayne should be home to go do stuff with us. If he wants to that is, because football season and everything, I don't know. Guess we'll just have to see. :)

That is MY boy!

You don't know how much I debated about that exclamation point up there in the title! haha Silly, right?

Well, this is something that I have given a lot of thought to. Not just right now, but recently and even over the past couple of years.

If you know the story, you know that I gave Brent his name (his Dad gave him his middle name) because I thought it would look good on a letter jacket in high school. It would, it does and it did. Not only that, at that time I really liked Notre Dame, (don't ask me why now, I don't even know) and I wanted him to grow up and play for Notre Dame. But the big cherry on top for me was that I wanted him to play for the Miami Dolphins under Don Shula. Well, clearly the Shula ship has sailed. In fact, Wayne recently met Don Shula and relayed my shattered dreams to him. Oh well, what can you do. Still, the Dolphin Dream was alive. I can't say I really thought this stuff would happen, but it was my rough draft plan for him.

Well, when he got old enough to start thinking about playing football, I looked around wherever we were and I can't even remember where that was and he wasn't old enough until he was about 8 or so. So when we could, we signed him up. I still remember the first time he tried to put his helmet on after he was issued his equipment. OMG, this was funny! The boy cried because it was so tight. Wayne explained to him the reason it was so tight and that it was SUPPOSED to be that way and when that didn't faze Brent he told him, "Boy, you put that helmet on or I'm gonna put on FOR you!" It just took a time or two and then he was o.k.

After that, there were a couple of years before he played again. Not until we got to Belgium and he was in 7th grade. By that time, you know, I think most kids had already had several years more experience than he had. But he got to play against some European teams and go places and overall it was fun for him. His Dad even got to coach some.

His freshman year we were at Ft. Knox. Don't worry if you're not familiar with Ft. Knox's record. I don't think they're terribly familiar with it either! The coach was a good guy. Really, a good guy. But maybe not such a great coach. Or maybe it was the entire coaching staff. Wow, I remember dealing with that bunch of hoodlums on my own because Wayne was in Iraq! I could have even gotten a date with one of them if I'd wanted, just to illustrate my point! Yeah, THAT was a quality coach! Anyway, his first season he was a wide receiver. His second season I think they had him at that plus another position. All losing seasons for the team and there was drama that I thought was saved only for parents of teenage girls!

Here's the thing that I want to say about that though. Brent has always been small. He's pretty average now, but he's always been on the smaller side of other kids in his grade. Maybe I should have had him start kindergarten later and he would've have been on the other side of that equation. But he was my oldest and all I knew was when your child is 5 before a certain date you sign them up. So I did. And he did well academically so why would I have questioned it? Anyway. He always made his practices. Early ones, late ones, after school ones, two-a-days, whatever, he showed up and practiced. He was always at the fundraisers. He was always at the camps. He always went out and sold whatever they were given to sell. The boy did his best. There were times he thought it wasn't necessarily worth it because of the drama or other guys were blowing off practices and still got more playing time, etc... but he hung in there and did his thing.

Then here comes Hawaii. He went into it thinking he'd just transfer right over. Well, two things. One, this was not a DoD school. And two, the locals are B-I-G for the most part. The day Wayne took him over to meet the coach and discuss things with him. The coach told him 'I'll be honest with you, I don't know if you've got what it takes to make the team.' What? Make the team? You mean it's not a given? Nope, not here, it was a make the cut or be cut deal. And after seeing some of the guys on the team Brent was rattled. This was in July. And now after being here for a while, we know that they practice nearly year round. So he was walking in LATE! Brent wasn't sure he wanted to go through with it. Did he even want to? Could he make it even if he DID want to? Seriously, he told me and Wayne that he didn't want to play. Of course we were disappointed. But you know what ate at me? It was that I knew he'd always wonder. If he didn't go out and at least try he'd always wonder if he would have made it. And really, I couldn't buy that he didn't want to play, I think it was fear and intimidation talking. I had a gut feeling that if he went out and at least got a taste of it he'd love it. So I struck my brilliant deal with him. If you go out and you make the team and they make it to the state championship (as they'd done in 2007) he got $500. If you know my boy, you know money talks! So he went and practiced with them. And these guys work HARD, nothing like he'd ever experienced on the mainland. Then, of course, he did make the team. They put him as a defensive lineman, so yet another new position and one he was probably not cut out for. Nevertheless, he made the team which in my book is all to his credit. He conquered his fear or intimidation and did something that was huge. Something that I seriously don't believe many of those guys back at his old school could've or would've done. Not only that, ask anybody from the mainland if it's easy fitting in with the locals here. It can be rough, but he did that too.

This year they put him as a Safety a position that he loves. He wishes he'd been there all along and looks back and thinks of how much better he'd probably be if he'd had those extra years in one position. Not only that, but these guys that he is playing with for the most part have grown up together. They all started Pop Warner when they were 6 or whatever. They've had multiple years in their position. So Brent doesn't get the playing time he'd like. He fights hard for what he gets and sometimes it does get taken away. Yet he still makes his practices. He still does his fundraisers. He still does his camps. I say these things as if they are noteworthy only because so many of the other guys do NOT do these things! He has a good work ethic.

A couple of years ago he told me that he did not want to play college ball. I couldn't be really shocked, the cards had been sort of stacked against him. If things had been different, if we'd been in one place long enough, etc... then maybe he would feel differently. I tease him that he's killed my dreams. He really hasn't. Sure I'd love it if he could or would play more, because frankly it makes me sad that this is his last season. And the games are ticking down. But what else could I really ask of him? He can't do it for me. I wouldn't even want him to. Do I think he's got potential? Yes. Is that just because I'm his mom? Maybe a little, but maybe not. Wayne and I have had these discussions. To noone's surprise Wayne knows the game far and away better than I do, so I guess he would know. But I just can't give up on my son. I feel like he's got potential that hasn't been tapped. And I know, that with only 5 games left, the writing's on the wall. That doesn't change my opinion on the matter one bit. I happen to be good at finding diamonds in the rough. He didn't kill my dreams though and he didn't let me down. He's given me a lot of fun Friday nights. Without hesitation he's gone out there and stood up to guys that could eat him for lunch. I hope that the experiences he's had will be things he'll look back on and be glad for. They are ones that lots of people have never had. I can only be proud of my boy for what he's done, there's no disappointment here! 

Things I've Learned on My Way Through

 

 

Or on my way out...haha! I was gonna say that, but I know certain people don't like that kind of talk, even though it's true. Are any of us going to be here permanently? Aren't we all more or less on our way out? O.K., that's my dark side showing. I'm in no hurry to be on my way out anyway.

The first thing that I know for sure: Don't let anybody tell you who you are or what you're capable of. I did that way too much. I either didn't think I was good enough or it was put in my head that if I talked people wouldn't like me. Big mistake. Huge! It was only through the hard way that I found out otherwise. It's a good lesson and one I'm glad that I learned but it left me feeling like I wasted time that I didn't have to. So love me or hate me, but you won’t un-do what I already know.

Another thing I've learned for sure (about myself anyway): I am not naturally afraid. This may well be true for anyone, but I will only speak for myself. So many times I've walked into a situation and felt perfectly at ease with it. Only to be told afterwards that I should have been afraid or intimidated. Gee, thanks!! What does fear do but STOP you? Of course there are times it's healthy to be afraid, but in general I think you should FOLLOW that fear! You never know where you can be unless you face it and see where it can lead you. For myself, if something scares me or intimidates me that is only a sign that I should GO FOR IT! And if I don't and try to talk myself out of it...2 things...I'll always wonder what might have happened or it'll eat at me until I go for it anyway.

I think this next one is probably universal and it's probably chiseled on a tablet somewhere or something: What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Oh YES it will!! There have been times that I won't get into the reasons behind that I have thought I could not make it any further. If this sounds to you like I'm just being dramatic, we’ll just let it be that way. There have been times where the simple fact that I was awake was so painful that I only wanted to sleep. And sleep. And sleep. Times that I could do nothing but cry and want to know why. But you know what, having gone through those things, I know more about who I am and I know that yes, I may think I can't go any further. In fact, I may not WANT to go any further but I CAN and it will get better. Sometimes the worst things that happen turn out to be good things in the end.

I will hang in there until I can't find any other reason for hanging in there. In other words, I'm loyal. I don't like to give up, especially on other people. I'm a big believer in all things being possible it's just a matter of finding the way to make it happen. It gets all over my nerves when people try to talk me out of something because they don't see what I see. If I see potential somewhere or if I can see a way to make something happen why should anybody stand in my way?

And finally, this is one that I wish more people could grasp. Something good happening to someone else does NOT take away the potential for something good to happen to you! I'm really sure that there is not one pot of "good fortune" somewhere in the universe and that if somebody happens to get a lot of it means there's less for you! Sure, it can sting if someone else gets something you really want, but that does not mean you can't have it. Be happy for other people! Don't begrudge them all the good things you might want for yourself. Just go out and get your own!

Don't Bring Me Down

Of course this would happen. Of course. Just coming off last night's Senior parents' meeting. They remind us of how it seems like just yesterday we were walking our kids to kindergarten. As a matter of fact yes it does. I fussed over that boy going to kindergarten. Wayne was deployed to Bosnia and Brent had been my little buddy for all that time. And he was so little, kind of like Rhett is now. People would always tell me how cute he was, especially on picture day that year. I insisted on them telling me when picture time was so I could go up to the school and make sure he still looked just right. I wish I could find that picture so I could show how adorable he was.

Anyway, this afternoon I decided to clean out all my old Tupperware and toss it so I could put the pretty new stuff in and clear out some space at the same time. That's when I ran across Rhett's sippy cups. Stopped me cold. I have to make a decision. Keep them or throw them away. He doesn't drink out of them. They're just there. But he's really actually my baby! How can I just throw away one of the last pieces of his babyhood? I spoiled that baby! If a new sippy cup design came out, I wanted him to have it. Like Brent he was my buddy while Wayne was gone. I took him everywhere with me. It was just the two of us while his brothers were in school. He and Brent are sort of bookends in this respect. Brent was the beginning and Rhett is the end. Both the same, but at different times. Now I'm going to be watching one graduate from high school in a few months and today I run across pieces of the other one's babyhood. It really breaks my heart. And I can't do what I usually do and pretend it's not real. And this hurts. What on earth do I do with these sorts of feelings? I can't do anything to change it. It just is. As I stood in the kitchen faced with this decision that seems so small but is so painful to me, I cried. I wished for Wayne to be here because I feel like crying alone is dangerous for me. I'm not one who knows what to do with tears. I sincerely hate them. They make me mad. I resent the hell out of them for making me feel anything. But here I am. Alone. With tears. And my heart hurts.

Fast Track

O.K., I just cannot blog like I used to! I think the days of daily posts have gone bye-bye. But I think maybe I can do like I did when we lived in Belgium and post like a weekly recap or something. Good enough? Hope so! ;)

It seems like in the past few weeks, which I guess seems like it might just be school related, I have been swamped. Complicating that situation is that I am realizing more and more that I have almost no attention span. I thought maybe I was just overwhelmed but now I'm seeing that it's not just that but it's my thought process. Rather than go from a-z, I seem to go from a to r to q to e to n to z. I do manage to finish things but I swear the way I go about it and all that happens in between is bizarre! But it's probably time for me to find something else wrong with myself, so bring it on I guess! ;)

I realized last week that maybe I should use my Blackberry's calendar function. Or is that an app? Either way. It's there, maybe I should use it. So I started putting things on my calendar. Then I realized I can't add anything before 8 a.m. That's just silly. I also realized that if I put my appts. in at their actual correct times it does me no good. Because if I forget that I have an appt. at 10 and my phone goes off at 10, then guess what, I'm late. So now I have to add my appts. in early. I'm super organized you can tell, right?! ;) That's a joke. I try though.

So, a couple of weeks ago I started looking at going back to school. Now would be a good time, right? All the kids are in school full-time. I've had a few majors over the years, but it seems like the older I get the more I want to be creative. What's always been in the back of my mind was Interior Design, so that's what I'm working on. Unfortunately, that degree isn't available just anywhere. Only one school on Oahu offers it and that was going to be a mess to work out. So after some research I found a school where I can do the whole Bachelor's degree online. That's one of the issues I always seems to run into is that when you get to the degree specific classes you have to be in an actual classroom. So anyway, this being completely online would work. Little did I know that they wouldn't be just begging me to apply. Little did I know that I'd have to sit through 2 hours of a phone interview. Little did I know that this was going to require multiple conference calls on a daily basis last week. I *think* just maybe I'm past all that though. So hopefully I'll be able to get moving soon.

On top of that I decided I needed to throw Rhett a birthday party. All I really knew was that I wanted it to have a bounce house and a pinata. Rhett gave me a theme (monkeys) and then I managed to create an invitation and get it printed. Then...standstill. I could not freaking focus long enough to put together the rest! As the days ticked down I knew I had better come up with something. So what happens? I come up with all these ideas that I "should" try. This is sort of my m.o. I have "nothing", I come up with "something" and it snowballs. I pile on more and more until I just become a crazy person. I was pretty sure I could pull it off....IF I stayed up until say 3 or 4 a.m. the day of the party. Just as I'm telling myself that, I get a call from one of the football moms asking me to bring a main dish for the postgame meal Friday night. So Friday night while I was at Brent's game, my friend Becky and her daughter were at my house making cupcakes and stenciling letters. Then early the next morning they were back helping with salads and cookies and pretzels. They were very good to indulge me with all of my ideas and never said, "No! No more!" Could not have done it without them!!

Oooh and now I'm making myself tired again just reliving it here. That's no good! I already have 3 appts. this week that who knows if I'll remember. If I do or if I don't it might make for some good blogging or at least facebook status updates. Because, of course you know, if I can't live online, I can't live! ;)

Life is Better with a Soundtrack

I think this should also be the title of my biography, it's a great title, right?! I get in these modes (or moods too, if you like) where I'm either high on music or down with it, but never without it. I had a couple of times over the past several days that were highly unexpected that were brought on by whatever I was listening to at the time. You may have heard people say this about dance, for example, that it can reach places that you just can't reach with anything else. And for sure this has to be true with music! It can be like a drug or like therapy all in one. I know in my life it's been both.

The other afternoon I was driving down the rode alone and listening to some song, I can't even remember which one right now and of course I was singing along, as I usually do in these scenarios, haha! But then I sort of noticed I was having SUCH a reaction to this song, like I was singing it as if I had written it myself. I was kind of like, 'Whoa! Where did that come from?' Of course I recognized why I would connect with the song, but it was like old stuff I'd long since put to bed. If you know me well, you know I like to put my emotions to bed and let them sleep a looooong time! (haha!) Well, lo and behold this old feeling woke up loudly!

Another afternoon, same scenarios (driving, singing, blah, blah, blah). Singing some song I barely knew on a cd I'd only recently bought and all of a sudden I had tears running down my cheeks. This time I didn't know why. Did I just need to cry about something? Was there something going on behind the scenes in my mind? I still don't know, I just know that song had touched on something.

So I got to thinking about all this music and why I love it so much. Well, there could really only be one answer to this that I know of and it's my Dad. I think my sisters would all share this same feeling. The man has an enormous music collection. I know some serious dinero has been dropped in record stores by this man. He would come home with stacks of cd's from where he'd stopped at Sam Goody's or wherever on his way home. Most of the time it was stuff I wouldn't like. I always thought of his taste as "experimental". Whatever that means. But that's how you find what you like, right? The point being there was always more and more music coming in.

Before that of course there were the records. ALWAYS records, never tapes. I remember wanting to buy a tape once and he told me to go back and get the record saying that the sound was better on a record and that if I wanted to record that onto a tape, then whatever, but to start with the better sound. Like the cd's he used to have a big record collection and I can still remember the smell of those albums all stacked there together and how I used to pull out the sleeve or open them up hoping the lyrics would be in there so, you guessed it, I could sing along! haha I remember him scaring me half to death with Alice Cooper goes to Hell!! There was song story/song about some guy named Stephen (also my Dad's name) going to Hell and it freaked me out because I thought it was about him. Or, also from back then, Linda Ronstadt, Valerie Carter, Bread, some Dr. Hook and of course, OF COURSE Jackson Browne!

I remember waking up to his stereo and whatever playing on Saturday mornings. Jennifer and I would sit with the Bee Gees "Main Course" album, because it DID have the lyrics and we thought it was a little scandalous that there was a naked lady in a champagne glass on the cover. But we sang through that album a lot. And Air Supply. Or maybe that one was just me, I don't want to malign Jennifer's name too much! ;)

For me, a lot of music was phases. Some would stick much longer term or I'll always come back to time and time again. Others were maybe just whatever was the thing at the time. But I think always in the background were so many of the sounds that I grew up with. I have a big connection with The Eagles Greatest Hits 1971-1975. I sang Desperado after a break up (there's the therapy factor) like it was going out of style, which it probably already was! ;) And that same album was what I listened to every day on my drive to Opryland around the time I met Wayne and we started going out. The song 'Take it to the Limit' I always played during the stretch from Gallatin Rd. down Briley to Opryland. Just the same way, every day when I was getting ready for work I put Poison's 'Look What the Cat Dragged In' on. I would work out to Bon Jovi back then just like I do now. And when Wayne introduced me to 38 Special with their 'Flashback' album it was just like the soundtrack to our first summer together. To this day I can listen to those songs and it takes me right back.

I seem to have blacked out most of the 90s decade. I guess grunge wasn't for me, or else it's because I was listening to country at the time because I'm seriously out of touch with that decade's music. Not that I mind. I have a few connections to certain things from that time. There's a Little Texas song that makes me heartsick. There is a Brooks and Dunn song that makes me feel good. I remember driving in Germany while Wayne was deployed somewhere and Jackson Browne's 'Somebody's Baby' came on one of the German stations. Brent was little, but not TOO little in my mind to be initiated. So there it started, like it or not, my boys will always know Jackson Browne because starting at a young age I always pointed out when a song of his was on. In fact, Jack probably started before he was born because during my entire pregnancy with him I spent a lot of time outside painting the furniture for his room and listening to "The Very Best of Jackson Browne". There was a period of time that I had some sad associations with his music and couldn't listen to it. But obviously I came back.

It was around that time that I think I made the connection with singers who write their own music. I don't know why unless it's just that much more personal to them, but it's just better that way. I'm drawn to those people. I don't seek it out of course, but if I really connect with someone they almost always write their own stuff. I love song lyrics. I love to take a little blurb that I hear that just sounds right and make it my Facebook status. Or just take it and twist it around into something else.

I love how music takes you somewhere or it's there and you just don't even realize it necessarily. I love how it can completely turn your mood around if it hits you just right. I love how sometimes a song just "gets" you like nobody else can. It's like see, YOU know what I'm talking about and said it better than I could have! And I think in my case, it's almost like a legacy. I know there are things my Dad has played that will probably always remind me of him regardless of whether he listens to it anymore or even realizes that he played it. Pat Metheny, Van Morrison, Jimmy Buffett...those ones for sure. Jackson Browne to me is like a freakin' gift! I couldn't have picked him up anywhere else. I think it would be the best thing ever for us to get to see him live together! Almost happened once, but unfortunately he doesn't tour just a whole lot anymore. Although, Wayne did take me to see him in Belgium for our anniversary while we were there. At first I don't think Wayne thought it was all that exciting because it was an acoustic show. But with Jackson Browne, it's not about the flash, it's about the lyrics, the guitar or the piano and that's exactly what we got. So I think that will always be a special memory for us. I know I go on and on about the man, but seriously if you're not acquainted with his music, well not even that, really his songs, the lyrics themselves, he's brilliant. I clearly adore him! :)  And he should by all means know it! ;)

So there ya go, my life in music. To this point at least. It's picked me up, been down with me, helped me put my bad emotions to bed, gotten them back up, made a slow day go faster and really it's like a variegated thread that goes through everything with me. It changes and blends from one thing to the next but it's always there.

Thirteen on Thursday

I think the actual way this is done is Ten on Tuesday, but since this is for Thursday and alliteration is important (don't YOU think it's important?) I'm going to try to go for thirteen.

1. Brent's teenage-hood is starting to get on my nerves.
2. I finally mopped my floors today and this makes me very happy! Even though they will probably need to be redone tomorrow.
3. I got Brad Paisley's new cd today and it does not disappoint.
4. I had an apple with peanut butter for supper tonight...you can move forward with your day feeling better because you know this! ;)
5. Our new puppy, Nico is very much like having a baby. He even wakes me up in the middle of the night, although he's slightly easier to get back to sleep. After he walks around on my head that is.
6. I might have a Costco addiction. I have excellent intentions, but I just can't help it.
7. I have been chicken-with-its-head-cut-off busy the past couple of days.
8. I have so many pictures that I want to scrap from recently but cannot focus my thoughts enough to sit down and do them.
9. I think decorating is absolutely my passion. I'm a little bit scatterbrained with it, but it's the one thing that I feel happiest doing and thinking about.
10. I live in the best neighborhood! I'm very thankful for all my friends here and so thankful that after the crappy situations I've had with this sort of thing in the past that we are here with these people. Makes it a little better if I can't be at home.
11. I still have an absurd amount of laundry to do even though I chip away at it everyday!
12. Need to get myself on some sort of routine again.
13. Love listening to Rhett sing on Rock Band, even if I'm getting sick of a lot of the songs.