No matter how unique and so not-like-everybody-else we think we are, I believe we all still want to know that we are understood.
My memory goes way back. There are snippets I can recall from over 30 years ago that I remember better than some parts of this very day. I remember wanting to disappear. That feeling that I wasn't understood could become so overwhelming that I felt like it would swallow me whole. I became quiet.
Why not when noone knows what you mean anyway? If you're not heard, then why speak? If you're quiet enough, long enough you start to feel like you're in a bubble. If you're in a bubble long enough that starts to feel o.k.
I remember not wanting people near me. A bubble is a comfortable place to be....alone. And if you just want to come near me so you can pop the bubble, then just don't. All this I remember as a little girl.
It's hard to go through life like that though. So you might rebel against yourself. You might have to take a risk, or two, or many. It's true that if a risk pays off, then you are encouraged to try some more. But if it doesn't....well, you become scared.
You ask the questions that noone really has the answers to. Well meaning people have nice answers, but if it's not real, then what do you have? And then, you become cynical.
You question everything, believe only some things. Those things that can be shown to you, communicated to you, made clear to you. Those things you can believe. You put your head down and try not to let the other stuff seep in, because maybe you've been let down just one too many times.
And some things are way too complex to be shown to you or communicated to you. Those things have to be taken on faith. And that is possible. It is possible to be cynical and faithful at the same time. Maybe I would call that hope. It is possible to be cynical and hopeful at the same time. Because you really do never know when the best thing will show up. That's the best thing to believe anyway. You're an optimist in a cynic's clothing. And you become...hopeful.